Response to the Boston Marathon Tragedy: "Be the Change You Wish to See in the World"

"Be the change you wish to see in the world," Mahatma Ghandi said.  If everyone who is saddened by the horrible tragedy that occurred yesterday finds even one way to act for positive change in our world, think of the difference we could make. 

This is not what I wanted to be writing about for my 100th blog post.  It seems like only days ago that I was writing about the Newtown school shootings, and now, tragedy so close to home.

I don't have much to say, but I am feeling a great deal.  Gratitude for the safety of my family, especially my husband, who finished the Boston Marathon before the bombings and was only blocks away from the explosions.  Sorrow and horror for the families of those who were not so lucky.  Outrage, frustration, and the fear and sadness that comes whenever we are reminded of our own mortality and that of those we love.

There are families whose lives were forever changed yesterday.  For those of us who are so lucky to have our loved ones safe, I hope that we can be change instead.

I know that people will light candles, and hold vigils, and commit random acts of kindness as a means of healing and moving forward.  I hope we all find sources of healing.

I would actually urge people to consider an alternative to the popular pay it forward, random acts of kindness.  I would rather see purposeful acts towards change.  It is a fine thing to buy someone behind you a cup of coffee, but perhaps a better thing to donate money or time to a homeless shelter and help someone truly in need.  I can light a candle and offer a moment of silence, but I would rather make an appointment to donate blood.  (There's no reason not to do both.)

Events like this can make us feel powerless.  I cannot give Martin Richard or the other victims their lives back.  But I actually do have the power to save a life. 

• I made an appointment to donate blood 
• I am not going to answer my cell phone or text (which is illegal in MA) while I am driving. 
• I have registered at www.bethematch.org to be a bone marrow donor if I'm a match (make sure you understand the level of commitment and talk to your family if you're considering joining)
• I'm a registered organ donor

Yesterday was such a dichotomy - an incredible event, of 27,000 runners running an insane distance of 26.2 miles, cheered on by spectators, accomplishing incredible speeds and feats of athleticism, and many of them overcoming incredible obstacles in order to do so.  All of them had trained hard, and long, and run many, many miles leading up to this wonderful celebration of human spirit.

On the other hand, there was a horrible tragedy that cost lives and injuries and brought this amazing event to a screeching halt.

Watching the event, and the response to the event, I had all these conflicting feelings of whether the world is a wonderful or horrible place, whether people are amazing and incredible or cruel and unthinkably evil.

The good news: tens of thousands more people were there because they were celebrating something beautiful and amazing than because they wished to hurt someone.

I had an outpouring of support and concern in the aftermath of the tragedy as friends texted me, family called me, and three of my neighbors knocked on our door to find out if Greg and our family was o.k.  Our National Guard and our Police Officers and other first responders are hard at work making sure we're safe.   Other cities have offered Boston support, and people all over the country and the world are speaking about this tragedy and offering their assistance.

People are good, people care, people want the world to be a better place, a place where these things don't happen.

I don't know how we can prevent future tragedies, but I do have a lot of ideas for how we can make the world a better place.  We can all, in our own way, find something that we can do in remembrance and in commemoration of this tragedy, that will change the world for the better.

Find your way to make this world better.  What are your resources?  What causes speak to you most?  I am young and healthy, but don't have much time to volunteer because I'm a stay at home mom of two young children.  I can donate blood, I can be patient when I'm driving.  I can donate to the Heifer project and help a mother trying to feed her children.  I can join the bone marrow registry and maybe save a cancer patient.  I can recycle, I can be more careful to buy only what I need, I can drive safely, I can treat waitstaff and people in the service industry with respect, I can talk to my children about being kind to everyone.

What can you do?



I snapped this photo of Greg to send to worried family members just after he'd gotten off the commuter rail from Boston.  It was only after I viewed it on the computer that I realized you could still see my tears of relief on his shirt.  He finished before the explosions and was blocks away - I wish everyone had been so lucky.

Lecture Review: Working with Temperament, Debbie Weinstock-Savoy, Ph.D.

You're watching HGTV, and they're doing a backyard show.  A beaver, monkey, dolphin, and owl are standing on an empty lot discussing landscaping ideas.

Dolphin: This will be great!  We can have a gazebo, the neighbors can come over, maybe we can do a color theme for the flowers, focus on blues and purples....

Beaver: You'll need to plan the flowering plants so you have blooms in each season, and we should probably check the soil types before you consider planting anything, I'll make a list and draw up some diagrams...

Monkey: This is awesome, I can't wait to get started!  I'm going to go check out the gardening store, look at the plants, maybe pick out a couple to start with!  And I'll try out some of the furniture while I'm over there!

Owl: Are there any charts around here that show which plants grow the best in New England conditions?  What's the overall idea here, are you trying to have an outdoor dining space or a garden area or what?  

Ok, so maybe this is unrealistic, being that owls are nocturnal and the rest of these animals don't share a natural habitat.  What I'm really talking about is temperament.

Will sat quietly in his booster seat and made cards and crafted for over half an hour... Beaver?

One of the benefits of the local mother's group I'm part of is a great lecture series on parenting topics, the most recent of which was Debbie Weinstock-Savoy speaking about children's temperaments and how understanding our children's predispositions can help us as parents.

The lecture took the popular Myers Brigg's personality test, which identifies people's natural tendencies in four different areas, and created four groupings that can help us understand how people learn and interact.

You can read about Myer's Briggs at http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/

If you're familiar with Myers Briggs, here's a brief review of the four identifiers:

At the end of a long day, how do you get your energy back? 
Introvert (re-energizes by being alone) vs. Extrovert (re-energizes by being around people)

How do you prefer receiving information?
Sensing (hands on, detail oriented) or Intuiting (observation, big picture, ideas and theories)

How do you make decisions?
Thinking (the facts, objective) or Feeling (relationships, how a decision affects people around you)

Do you prefer schedules and structure or new experiences and spontaneity?
Judging (structure and closure) or Perceiving (new experiences, spontaneous)

The four categories Debbie Weinstock-Savoy discussed:

Based on David Kiersey's categories, Dr. Savoy talked about four personality categories.

Two types of "sensors" who prefer things hands on and are detail oriented rather than abstract or big picture:

Beaver (SJ): The beaver is a detail oriented, sensory learner who prefers structure and closure over new experiences and spontaneity.  They make lists, they focus on tasks, they don't like it when people break the rules, they like plans.  They're so driven to accomplish things that they may need to make it a specific point to have fun.  (This is the Kiersey "Guardian")

Monkey (SP): The monkey is a hands on, sensory learner who loves new experiences and spontaneity and fun.  They're high energy, they love things to be new and exciting, and they are not necessarily well served by a classroom environment.  They'd rather do than memorize, and they can get bored without enough variety and excitement. They'd rather jump into a project and start playing around with materials than sit and plan.  Their work better be fun, or they're not doing it.  (This is the Kiersey "Artisan")

Two types of "Intuiters" who are big picture thinkers who learn from observations and ideas:

Dolphin (NF):  Creative, big picture thinkers who make decisions based on relationships and the impact something will have on those around them.  Relationships are really important to them, they're often idealistic and thinking about the potential of any situation, and they're naturally empathetic. (This is the Kiersey "Idealist")

Owl (NT): Observant, big picture thinkers who make decisions based on objective facts rather than relationships.  They're independent minded, love ideas and a good debate, sometimes have trouble relating to people because they prioritize facts over relationships and can be irritated by people who don't understand their point of view. (This is the Kiersey "Rational")


My experience:

Having taken the Myers Briggs test, I know that I'm halfway between a Beaver and an Owl (I test borderline in the receipt of information category, being halfway between preferring details and preferring patterns and ideas, with a slight preference into the Owl or big picture category). 

Looking at the strengths and vulnerabilities of those personalities makes me laugh, because they're right on with my own experiences.  I get nervous and upset when rules are broken.  I like structure and plans, and am not great at being spontaneous.  I love feeling productive and am task oriented and focused.  All Beaver qualities.  I make decisions based on objective facts like an Owl - even in raising my own children, I love to have research backed information based on a firm foundation of childhood psychology before I go ahead with my gut instinct anyway.  When we were looking for a family car for me to drive, I read consumer report after consumer report, made a decision, and was irritated when Greg wanted me to test drive something else, because darn it, I had the facts and I'd already made my decision.  This might sound insane to you, unless you're also an Owl, but it's very true to my personality type.

How I find this most helpful:

Even if you haven't taken the Myers Briggs, if you do some reading about temperament and personality types, you probably have some good guesses about how you or your child likes to learn and how you make your decisions.  Looking at these "types" is a great way to do some self-reflection about your own strengths and weaknesses, and how you can work with those to better interact with the world. 

As a Beaver/Owl combination, I tend to stick to the rules, be very objective and fact oriented, and make decisions based on truth or research.  This meant that when I was an RA in college, I was a great resource for my students when it came to details like scheduling, navigating the campus, and learning about University resources.  It also meant that for every rule violation, I looked up the policy and implemented it rather than thinking about relationships and what would best benefit my residents and our relationship.  My Owl side thought that teaching high school history would be fun, because I love nothing more than sitting around discussing ideas and talking about history.  Too bad that's not what teaching is about... maybe I should leave it to the Dolphins!

I know I need plans and get upset when plans change, that's helpful for me to know and for my family to know.  I know that I tend to make decisions based on objective facts rather than always thinking of how those decisions affect people, that's a good thing for me to be aware of so I can compensate for it.  I know that I will fold laundry and clean closets until I'm blue in the face unless I make myself stop and sit down for some "me" time.

Looking at personality types can be a fun conversation to have with your spouse, so you can have a good laugh about how when you decide to landscape the yard, you have all these ideas and a big vision of how it'll look, while they're entirely focused on soil types and exactly what needs to happen to get it done. 

As a friend:

One of my best friends growing up is a CLASSIC monkey, I mean, so stereotypical Monkey that it makes me laugh thinking about it.  I loved spending time with her, she always had the best ideas for how to have fun.  We would make pancakes with weird ingredients, have awesome adventures, make the coolest crafts I never would have thought of, she was fantastic.  She was always up for a good time and was somehow so much more fun than I was that I was always kind of amazed she was willing to hang out with me. 

That being said, we could NOT work on school projects together - I needed to have a plan, she wanted to dive right in.  I wanted to know exactly what our purpose was and the end result would look like before we started, she thought that was impossible because the process is the most important part of learning and if you know the end result before you start, you're not learning because you learn from doing it.  Owl vs. Monkey... not great compatibility on a school project!  But boy was she the best friend a girl could have.

As a parent:

It's way too early to tell with Andrew (14 months old) but I am wondering if Will might be a beaver.  He's very focused, very hands on (of course he's a toddler, and most of them want to hold and touch whatever you've got), and will sit for ages and work on crafts.  He definitely likes his routines and to know what's happening, I try to tell him every day when he comes down for breakfast what our plans are and what we're doing.

I think it's always good to be thinking about your child's preferences, whether or not it's within this framework, and trying to make things easier for them.  You don't have to do a Myers Briggs test for your five year old to know that they love hands on stuff and are super energetic and wish they could play outside all day (monkey?).  Or maybe they're incredibly imaginative, make up lots of stories, and are very sensitive to whether their teacher likes them and how many friends they have (dolphin?).  You know your kid - this is just a great way to get the conversations started, and help us think about what comes naturally or hard to us and our kids and how we can better compensate for it.

Some parenting examples Dr. Savoy gave during the lecture:

A mother of a dolphin altered their bedtime routine to include coming up with a dream that the mother and daughter would meet in while they were asleep.  This appealed greatly to the dolphin's very creative and imaginative side, as well as their emphasis on relationships.

An extroverted mother of an introvert got a notebook that her daughter could write in when she wanted to tell her mother something, and the mother would write back, so that the daughter had the processing time and alone time an introvert needs but could still communicate with and have a great relationship with her mother.

Parents of monkeys may want to think about how they can provide plenty of time for exuberant play in outdoor spaces or places where there are lots of fun materials to play with.  Turn work into play, make things fun, mix things up a lot.

If you have an owl child who is an independent thinker and doesn't do something unless they understand the reason for it, explain why sometimes going with the flow will benefit them - one parent had a child who was frustrated that their teacher wanted them to use punctuation when CLEARLY the ideas in the paper were the important part and all that should be graded.  (This sounds like me freshman year when I decided which homework assignments I thought were worth doing and only did those.)  The parents explained that since it was clearly too important to the teacher, maybe it'd be better to use the punctuation so that the teacher could focus on these important ideas the child had.

If you have a beaver child, give them a heads up of what you're planning for the day and if you think there's a chance plans might change, maybe let them know that, too.  "We're going to the park this afternoon to meet with your friends, but if it rains, we might have to go to the library instead."

Some resources Dr. Savoy suggested:

http://www.temperament.com

http://www.preventiveoz.org

http://www.personalitypage.com

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child's Personality Type and Become A Better Parent by Paul Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger


It looks as though Dr. Savoy is in the process of building her own website at http://parentingwithstyle.com/

She is part of the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology: http://www.mspp.edu/ce

Probably a beaver.

Our First Tesla Road Trip!

We took our electric car on its first road trip!  Maybe I should start with: We have an electric car!  Ever since we first watched the documentary, Who Killed the Electric Car, I've been waiting for the chance to support electric vehicles.  Luckily, I'm married to someone who also prioritizes the environment (and happens to appreciate really nice cars) because now we're proud Tesla owners.  It's one of the only all-electric cars on the market, and I love opening the door to the garage and seeing it plugged in.

Charging in Milford, CT.

Anyway, back to our first electric car road trip.  There's a super-charging station in Milford, CT, twenty minutes from my brother's family, so when we were invited down for my sister's birthday dinner, we knew we had to go and take Tess!  It was our first time driving our all electric car out of the state, knowing we'd need to charge it on the road before we came home.

It's 138 miles to my brother's house in CT, making it 276 miles round trip.  For environmental and battery life purposes, the Tesla normally charges to about 80% capacity, or about 220 miles.  This is more than sufficient for Greg's daily commute and lunchtime excursions.  For our road trip, we set it to do a maximum capacity charge the night before, giving us an EPA estimate of 262 miles for a max range.  That meant that we'd only have to stop and charge at a super charging station for a little while in order to make it comfortably round trip.

Electric cars are like gas cars in that your estimated mileage is very much impacted by how you're driving, how much is in the car, etc.  For our road trip, we knew that we weren't going to be driving at the ideal speed of 55 miles per hour, because that's under the speed limit!  With two car seats and kids in the back, two pack and plays, twelve bottles of wine, and some additional toddler gear, we had Tess pretty loaded down.  It was also cold, and batteries don't really like cold.  I also crank the heat for myself and the kids, reducing our efficiency even more.

That said, we still managed to drive at 75% - 80% of the maximum range.  (If it estimated the maximum mileage we could get in ideal circumstances and speeds was 20 miles, we'd go 15, etc).

That was perfectly fine with us, since we only needed to hit 50% in order to make it to the charging station in Milford, CT.  We made it there with no issues, and in the time it took us to change two kids' diapers and outfits and grab ourselves some iced teas, Tess had charged enough so that we weren't even sure we needed to stop on the way back.  We thought about hanging out for a full charge since it'd only take a few more minutes, but decided that since the charging station is directly off the highway and someone always needs a bathroom break or a diaper, we'd just stop quickly on the way home if we needed to.  We did stop, and we made it home and did the math and realized we hadn't needed to.

This made me feel cool. (It doesn't take much.)

The charging station at the super-charge is a Tesla specific station, reserved for electric vehicles, and it charges about four times faster than our home!  It charged at 364 volts, and you could sit in the car and watch your estimated mileage go up in real time.  (Kind of cool.)  Also, it was free, which is kind of fun when you think about how much it'd cost you to go 276 miles in a gas powered vehicle.  (My car gets about 28 miles per gallon best case, meaning I'd need about ten gallons, which is anywhere from $35-$40 lately.)

The screen in Greg's car, showing our charging progress.

The charging station in Milford is right at a big rest stop, so we went inside to change the kids and grab iced teas, and Greg could actually check his phone to see how much Tess had charged before we decided to leave!  We didn't even take time to sit down with our drinks.  The same iphone ap will let him see exactly where his car is, its temperature, how fast it's going, and its estimated remaining mileage, all with the click of a button.  (Maybe we WILL let the kids drive this car...)

Greg's iphone let's us know Tess' charging progress.

The verdict for me?  I'd definitely take Tess on a road trip again.  I have two small children who don't like being cooped up in a car for more than a couple hours, and definitely need to stop and get changed and fed and stretch their legs.  The fact that Tess needed to charge for twenty minutes was practically immaterial.  (A full drain to a full charge would mean you'd need to stop for a real lunch - more like an hour.)

I think it'd be tougher if we hadn't had a well placed charging station for our trip, but in general, as more charging stations pop up in places, I don't think it's so bad to plan to have lunch somewhere while the car charges.  You can drive three to four hours without stopping, which is probably longer than we're able to with small children.  The kids' car seats fit in the back with no trouble, and there was plenty of cargo space, and it was a super comfortable and fun ride.

My only complaint is that it sort of slows you down on the highway when people keep boxing you in to check out your car.

Tess getting delivered right to our house in January, 2013.

Responses to Newtown: Where do we go from here?

The recent school Elementary School shooting in Newtown, CT cost 26 lives.  It is everywhere I look on social media sights and in the news.  People are holding candlelight vigils, holding their own children tight, and finding ways to grieve.

It was my initial expectation that this tragedy would lead to legislative action to help prevent future shootings and keep our children, our educators, our citizens safer.  But I have read some things online that leave me deeply disturbed, and worried about our nation’s ability to work with one another to respond appropriately to this horrible tragedy – not just with candlelight vigils, but with action.

Candlelight vigils are important; we need to take time to grieve as individuals, communities and as a nation after what has happened.  But I am no longer content to do a few commemorative things to make myself feel better and then get on with my busy holiday schedule.  I am a mother of two, and my throat gets tight, my eyes burn, and my hands shake when I think of the possibility of living life after losing one of my children to violence.  I cannot imagine the feelings of those who have lost theirs.  We owe it to them, and to all of our children who we are still lucky enough to have with us, to do better.

Where do we go from here?

This is not a one solution problem.  When I posted asking people to join me in sending extra holiday cards to legislators, I focused on gun reform.  But as the heart-wrenching post titled “I am Adam Lanza’s Mother” illustrates, we cannot forget the importance of making quality mental health care available in this country either. 

Ask yourself; “What could help prevent a future shooting tragedy?” If you believe in advocating for better mental health care, I agree with you, let’s do it.  If you believe that semi-automatic weapons have no place in a civilized society, I agree with you, let’s push for gun reform.  If you believe that funding violence prevention programs and addressing school bullying is important, I agree with you.  Let’s do it.  What I don’t agree with is doing nothing.

Here are some things I believe:

I believe that everyone in this country who is of sound mind is horrified by the tragedy that occurred on Friday.

I believe that this nation is capable of change, great change, and that our legislative system is one of the most powerful instruments of change.

I believe that we can reform gun legislation without violating people’s second amendment rights, and without jeopardizing our citizens’ ability to hunt or to protect. 

I believe that adding regulation to the process of purchasing and possessing firearms to increase people’s safety is not only possible but necessary.

Here are some things I do not believe:

I do not believe that arming our teachers is a realistic solution to this problem.  I have actually read posts where people state that if a teacher in Newtown had had a gun, lives would have been saved.  Even if it were realistic to expect our teachers to be trained in gun safety, and agree to carry firearms, can we possibly believe that having more guns in our classrooms is worth the risk to our children?  One tired teacher forgetting to lock a cabinet is one too many.  I believe it is a much more practical, economic, and sensible solution to make it more difficult for potential perpetrators to obtain firearms than it is to arm our teachers.  I can’t believe I feel compelled by a number of online posts to write this.

I do not believe that second amendment rights necessitate hobbyists being allowed to purchase semi-automatic guns and 100 round magazines in order to have fun in their backyards. 

I do not believe that illegalizing semi-automatic firearms and placing greater restrictions on gun sales is useless because “anyone determined to hurt people will find a way.”  I don’t believe in making it easier for anyone to hurt my children, and if the number of people in this country who lock the doors to their cars and houses is any indicator, I’m not the only one who feels this way.  Any extra step someone needs to take to obtain firearms is an extra chance for a family member, counselor, or law enforcement to notice that someone could be planning to hurt themselves or others and step in. 

I hope that you will think hard about what you believe, and join me in supporting our legislators, our educators, and any organization that is doing work that helps prevent violence.  Please help keep my children safe.

A Response to the CT School Shooting: I'm Sending My Extra Christmas Cards to Legislators

A photo card of our children, with a handwritten message asking a politician to help keep my children safe.  

How many children will it take before our country's gun policies change?  One of my friends posted a link to a well-written article in the New York Times about gun control in this country, titled Safe From Fire, but Not Guns.  The part that made me feel even sadder after reading the article was that it was written in July in response to the movie theater shooting, not today in response to what has happened at the elementary school in Connecticut.  It didn't provoke change in time to save those children's lives.

I believe that this country is capable of passing legislation that will keep people safer from guns.  I went to undergrad in Georgia, and I met some people who like guns a lot.  I don't agree with them, but I don't believe any of them aren't deeply saddened by what has happened today.  I'm not sure they would oppose legislation intended to restrict firearm sales and ensure that guns are sold to people who know how to use them safely, have pledged to store them safely, and have been checked out to make sure they don't have a criminal background or history of mental health issues.  That type of legislation would be an improvement on what we have now (I would advocate for even more extreme legislation), without removing guns from the people I knew who would never use them to harm a person.  I like Canada's requirement that two people vouch for someone buying a gun, as mentioned in the New York Times article linked above.  I had to have witnesses for my wedding, and it was a lot less dangerous.

Legislators in this country need to know that public opinion would support efforts to keep our children safer, and I would like them to know that they have my support now.  I don't need to see news of another child lost to gun violence to give my vocal support and my vote to gun-restrictions.

This afternoon, I took some of my extra Christmas cards and mailed them to my representatives asking them to do whatever they can to help pass laws that would keep my children safer from guns.

It's personal.  I am sending them my plea, with photos of my children, who I am lucky to still have, whom I hope will always be as safe from gun violence as they are today.  I hope it will help them realize that these horrible events may have influenced public opinion enough for them to bring about change that may prevent the loss of more of our children.

Perhaps you agree with me.  Perhaps you have extra holiday cards of your own, that you could scrawl a quick note on, letting someone know that you'd vote to restrict access to guns and keep our children safer.  Perhaps we can get the word to our legislators that this should be a priority.

Here's my letter, which I mailed with my address and full signature to four of my legislators:

----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Barney Frank, 

Today’s school shooting in Connecticut upset me very deeply as a parent.  I wonder if we had some of the gun safety laws adopted by other countries, if those children would still be alive.  I am worried about the lack of gun control in our country and about the safety of our children in our communities until there are better restrictions on firearms.

I know that legislation in our communities and country is influenced by public opinion, and I want you to know that I would support any and all legislation restricting the sales and possession of firearms in this country, nationally or locally.  I would support any legislation that would increase my children’s safety, whether it’s designed to regulate the purchasing of firearms or safety precautions once they’re in someone’s possession.

I am a mother, not a politician, and I realize that bringing about change can be difficult.  I am grateful for your public service, and am hoping that if there is any legislation you can think of that will help keep my children safer, that you will work towards it.  You certainly have my support.

Wishing you the best this holiday season and thanking you for your public service.

Sincerely,

Kelly

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UPDATE: It's been 5 days since I posted this blog and asked people to help me spread the word.  Thanks to my sister-in-law, who emailed the idea to her favorite bloggers, and bloggers such as http://www.natthefatrat.com/, www.babyrabies.com, www.motleymama.com, julia-transition.blogspot.com, jugglinglife.typepad.com, www.spillerena.com, I've had over two thousand hits to this post.  If even a fourth of those hits result in cards to legislators, every member of the house of representatives could receive cards asking them to work for laws that will keep our children safer.  I am deeply grateful to everyone who has participated by sending cards and spreading the word.

This afternoon, I received an e-mail from my mother that made me feel really hopeful and thankful.  Here it is.

I just had very nice call from Andrew McLean, my ME state legislator, thanking me for the letter and card.
These issues have been on his mind for years and he feels that this time, finally, positive action will be taken.
He plans to work for gun reform and with mental health issues. He expects to see both parties work toward solutions here in Maine.

Love,

Mum

Thank you.  

Respect the Vote!

Elections are exciting.  I enjoy the anticipation as we sit on the couch, watching the states turn red and blue on the big electoral college maps on t.v.  I enjoy it even more when the candidates I support win :)

If what I see on social networking sites is any indicator, voter turnout is going to be great this year. I love the enthusiasm and the pride with which people post about voting.  I've seen posts about women's suffrage, being thankful for democracy, and great encouragement to others to get out to vote.  It's cool to vote these days.  I love that.

What I don't love is how uncool it seems to be to disagree with someone else.  I see a lot of disrespect of the opinions of others online.  It feels to me as though for some people, it's cool to vote, as long as you're voting like them.  I saw a post where someone was bragging about pulling over to shout obscenities at some people exercising their right to protest.  An extremely educated friend of mine posted their shock that ANYONE would vote for the "other" candidate.  (Umm, some of your friends might be voting for the other candidate.  And they may resent the rather scathing remarks you have therefore just made about their intelligence.)  Let's respect each other, try to understand each other, and hope that our candidates can do the same.  That's how real progress can be made.

I remember being in college and screaming through the phone receiver at an infuriatingly calm Greg who disagreed with me about something on the ballot.  I was young, passionate, and right, gosh darn it, and I wasn't sure I should even be dating someone who disagreed with me.  I understand being passionate about something, I really do.  Since then I've had more opportunities to talk in depth with people who disagree with me, not just Greg, although he's my favorite person to talk politics with, and I've discovered some things.

Most people are not evil, even if they disagree with me.

Many people who vote opposite me actually agree with me on underlying moral principles, but disagree with me on how things should be done even though they hope for a similar outcome.

Very few people agree entirely with a specific party or candidate, a lot of us have to choose what our priorities are with each election.  I may agree with you on gay marriage, disagree with you on Roe v. Wade, agree with you about environmental policy, disagree with you about free enterprise, and vote with or against you depending on which of my agendas seems most at risk because of a particular candidate.

I know really good, moral, intelligent people who vote Democrat, and really good, moral, intelligent people who vote Republican.

I hope that if you're eligible to vote, you do.  And I hope that you'll consider talking to someone who disagrees with you about the vote.  Not in an effort to change their mind or allow them to change yours, but in an effort to understand why they're voting the way they are.  You might be surprised to find that you disagree with their decision more than you disagree with their reasoning.  (Or you might not be.  In which case you can be even more excited to go vote against them.)

Since November is a month to be thankful, I would like to mention some things I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my right to vote, a right that's extended to people regardless of gender, race, property ownership, or sexual orientation.

I am thankful for the people who have disagreed with me in the past and been willing to explain their thinking in a non-confrontational way.

I am thankful to live in a country that spends a great deal to have provided me with public schooling, food that's been inspected for safety, non-toxic toys, public roads, and a safety net of social services that I hope not to need.  I am willing to pay my share of taxes to keep enjoying these services.

I am thankful for turkey, gravy, sweet potatoes, chocolate cream pie, pumpkin pie, green bean casserole, wild rice, and stuffing.  If you think stuffing shouldn't be cooked in the turkey because it's gross then YOU ARE SO WRONG.  WRONG!  I DON'T THINK I SHOULD EVEN BE DATING YOU.  AHHH!!!!  Clunk.

Happy Election Day :)

A Letter To Myself

Andrew and I are taking a Second Time Mom's class at Isis Parenting, and during a conversation about grandparents, someone made the comment that they hoped they would remember all this when their kids have children.

This made me think about me becoming a grandparent. I am sure that I will love my grandchildren, knit them amazing toys and sweaters (hopefully in their favorite colors and not itchy yarns) and spend as much time with them as I can. I'm a little more worried about my ability to remember what it was like to be a new parent, and to be a good mother and mother-in-law.

I am lucky because I have AMAZING in-laws, and wonderful parents, who have done an incredible job at navigating between offering advice and support while simultaneously letting us make our own parenting decisions. I am truly blessed to have them, and they are, quite seriously, perfect.

Since my own slightly type A personality makes it likely that I will NOT be so perfect, I was inspired to write a letter to my future self with some things I hope to remember. I am going to print two copies, and tuck them into my sons' baby books, which will inevitably be pulled off the shelves when they're expecting their own children, so I'll be sure to find them and read them at the appropriate time.

Here's my letter.

To My Future Self
For When I’m Expecting Grandchildren
April 28th, 2012

Dear Kelly,

Congratulations, Grandma! You look great. The streaks of grey become you, don’t dye your hair. Spend the time and money elsewhere, on lattes and croissants and knitting. You’re going to be a grandmother, and grandmothers have grey hair. Remember how Mom embraced becoming Mimi, and the happiness it brought her, and do the same.

I wish you were here, and I know you do, too. I promise that when I’m done writing this, I will hug William and Andrew close, and while I hold them, I will think about how someday I will be you, wishing like anything that I could be back here with them snuggled in my arms the size they are now. Promise me that when each of your grandchildren is born, you will hold them close in your arms, and think of how excited I am to become you, and in those quiet moments of holding someone precious in our arms, we can be connected.

I am writing now because I want you to remember after your grandchildren are born, just how crazy and amazing and challenging it is to be a new parent, and mostly, because I want you to remember that you are NOT a new parent, you are a new GRAND parent. You were lucky to have parents and in-laws who made this transition amazingly. If you can be half as helpful and understanding as Barb and Bill when you are the mother-in-law, you’ll do well. I really wish this for you, but I also know how much you love knowing things and learning things and teaching things, and so I worry an eensy, tiny bit about your ability to remember to let new parents make their own mistakes, and to recognize that “mistakes” are not defined as “any parenting choice differing from how you raised your own children”. I’m serious.

There are some things you need to remember. Remember reading parenting book after parenting book before Will was even born, and taking notes, and coming up with your convictions about the type of parent you would be. Remember how luxuriously freeing it was to finally throw some of those convictions out the window. Remember how much conflicting advice there is out there about parenting. Remember watching your friends parent differently than you and still raise wonderful, happy, securely attached toddlers. Remember all the advice that could have saved you a great deal of hassle if you’d listened to it, but that you didn’t, and couldn’t, because you didn’t know which advice you should have listened to until you’d been through things and found out for yourself.

It may be hard for you to accept that your children and their partners will raise their kids differently than you did, especially since you followed so closely in your own mother’s footsteps as a cloth diapering, breast-feeding stay-at-home mom. But nursing your children was your gift to give them, and staying at home was your choice to make, and neither was always easy even though they were right for you. Remember the long days when it seemed like one or the other was always crying, and if it wasn’t them it was the cat, and how in those moments you wished you, too, could go to work because you would come home missing them so much and feeling so excited to see them, rather than having a nagging guilt because at that moment you’d love nothing more than to get away from them?

You are now the supporting actor and not the star. Ask yourself how you can best support your grandchild’s parents in becoming the parents they want to be. Becoming a parent is the scariest, most important thing that has ever happened to you, and they probably feel the same anxiety and desire to do it right. Respect that, and offer them validation and support. Ask them what they need, and how you can help, suggest ways that you’re willing to help. Child care? House cleaning? Frozen lasagnas or soups? Taking an early morning feeding so the new parents can sleep? Caring for an older child for a weekend? Remember what it felt like to have your newborn handed back to you only when it was hungry, crying, or needed a diaper. You’re probably capable of changing a diaper and shushing a baby that isn’t hungry. Do it.

Ask them how they would like you to care for their child. Don’t hesitate to say that you’re comfortable improvising, but appreciate that consistency is good for children and you’re happy to learn how they do things if there’s anything specific they want to show you.

I know you will love your grandchildren, and I know that sometimes you’ll wish you could be the mother all over again, especially since you’ll have this nagging feeling that you could do it so much better now that you know everything you learned from parenting the first time around. But that’s not your role, and things have probably changed in the world of parenting anyway. Now your job is to be the best grandparent you can be, which is a two part job. You get to have a relationship with your grandchildren, and you get to support the new parents.

Take a deep breath, remember to listen, dispense advice when it’s asked for, dispense love always, and enjoy every minute.

With love,

Kelly

I love libraries.

Maybe my love affair began I had my first library card at the age of five, or perhaps even before I could walk, when Mom started bringing me to Baxter Memorial Library for story hour. Growing up, the library was one of my favorite places. I remember sitting on the floor in front of the card catalogues when I was in elementary school, systematically looking up every book filed under magic, dragons, or castles. (Yes, card catalogues. Remember those?) It was close enough for me to walk to, and by the age of 8 or 9 I loved the independent thrill of walking into a place where anything I wanted I could borrow and bring home.

I still love the library, and for even more reasons now. We were lucky enough to buy a house within walking distance of our town's main branch, and now I get to take my turn following in my mother's footsteps by placing Will in the stroller every Tuesday morning and going to "Book Babies". Twenty minutes of songs and stories, a nice walk through town, and an opportunity to watch Will observe other children and the librarian with wide eyes and big smiles. I look forward to the outing every week.

While I'm there, I browse the aisles for picture books to bring home and read to Will. I even return the ones I borrowed last week. Usually. But if I don't, I love knowing that any library fines go towards helping my library continue to offer free programs and lots of books to anyone in the community. (Most libraries also have a "friends" program where you can become a supporting member.)

I've had a ton of fun picking out titles to read to Will, especially since in his pre-verbal stage I am the one who gets to pick what we read. I'm taking full advantage of that, and it's been so much fun. Kids books are awesome! They're funny, happy, short, and have lots of pictures.

For example, check out Dragon Stew by Steve Smallman, a rhyming book about Vikings who decide to search for a dragon to make into stew. It's hilarious. Or Smile if You're Human by Neal Layton, where alien tourists come to earth hoping to see humans. I even found a book called The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish. I'm not sure Will's even listening, but I'm having a blast!

I love owning the classics that will become favorites, but I also love freely exploring five or six new titles a week. With the library, I can read Will a new book every day. It's free, it's environmental, and I don't end up with an extra 365 books a year fighting for space on the shelves.

The library is great for adults, too.

I've subscribed to receive booklists summarizing the latest fiction, fantasy, and most requested books. They've got a whole page dedicated to book lists to help you decide what to read next.

I can request books or pay fines online, and with their interlibrary loan system I can usually get anything I'm looking for. Plus, when I request them I can pick them up at the front desk in under five minutes instead of searching the shelves with a baby in tow. I love checking out books of knitting patterns instead of buying expensive pattern books because I want to knit one thing, or reading a few chapters of popular parenting books before I decide which ones are worth buying to have in the house as a reference.

My library even offers museum passes that you can check out for one day to get into area museums free or for a minimal co-pay.

Libraries are awesome. Are you using yours?

I love the huge windows in the circular story hour room at my local library!

Will does too. Really.

The Happy Choice

This might sound ridiculous, but a few weeks ago I decided I was going to make the choice to be happy. A particularly rough day following a particularly sleepless night had left me feeling miserable and cranky, and acting worse. As I sat down to dinner, I found myself complaining about all the negative parts of my day.

That's when I realized that I was making myself miserable. Yes, I'd had a rough day, but hadn't there been some great parts? A stroller walk where the sun made it through the clouds, Will's hysterical laughter when I tickled his belly, the excitement I felt flipping through a gardening book and planning for spring.

But when Greg came home after a long day at work, I didn't feel right bringing up all those moments. Who wants to hear about how wonderful a stroller walk in the sun was when they were behind a desk working all day? So instead I recapped every rough moment from my day, just to make absolutely certain Greg wouldn't feel bad that he'd been at work instead.

Why wasn't I giving Greg a chance to be happy for me? Did I really think he couldn't be pleased that I'd had the chance to be home with our beautiful son, taking walks, reading him books, making him laugh? Greg works hard so I have the opportunity to do just that. Yes, I also had a day of diapers and spit up and half hour fussing sessions of coercing Will into his morning and afternoon naps. But do I really need to relive those parts of my day every night at the dinner table?

So when Greg and I met friends we hadn't seen in a while for lunch, I tried an experiment. I took the old adage "look on the bright side" seriously, and throughout lunch I focused on the joys in my life. I chose to make it a conversation about story hour at the library, and Will finding his feet when previously I might have made it a conversation about fussiness or sleep deprivation.

At the end of my little lunch experiment, I felt cheerful, optimistic, and happy. Everything I had said was absolutely true, I had just made the choice to spend more time talking about the good experiences I've had. I acknowledged the negatives briefly, and then moved on. And I really did feel happier.

Yes, sometimes I need a sympathetic ear. There's a place for that, too. But it's not every night at the dinner table AND every time I talk with friends or family. Venting had become dwelling, and I was living the unhappy parts of my day over and over again.

So I'm going to try hard to look on the bright side of life. I'm not ignoring the challenges, but I'm giving the good parts of the day more attention. And you know what? A lot of the time, it works!



Look, here's me being happy! And how could I not be next to a friend from whom I probably could have learned the happiness lesson years ago :)